Spring 2005

Spring bares her breasts in that careless and gradual way, Pulling back her snowy dressy top With the shyest movement; Hiking up her skirt of grass so green as to convey motion, Just a few inches above those luscious knees, Just enough to be awkward, Just enough to make me do a double take in disbelief – Playing this game of hide and seek With sunlight’s strong and gentle fingers, Lime green oozing everywhere Slapping together a patch of earth that is my lust – She is beautiful when she Hides in the cesura of the season - This one day in Spring – In this dis-remembering of a winter that egged us on. Just like the moment between breaths Just like the stillness that happens between heartbeats – Life infused with new hope Of things not revealed. Proving the existence of God Confirming that I really don’t matter at all – Basking in that joyful confirmation that I don’t matter at all! M C Biegner

under exposure

In this one we’re like any teenage snapshot couple, drunk with careless infatuation. I proudly wear my “Century of Women on Top” tee shirt; you wear your shy smile. We’re holding the old Polaroid camera out in front of us, and your cheek, complete with the dimples you always tried to hide, is pressed next to mine. This is the photo I’d scan and email to my friends back home, my mom. This print’s fuzzy brightness doesn’t reveal a few hours earlier when we would have been found in the emergency room after the police were called to the scene of one of your theatrical suicide threats, nor does it have any recollection of that shrill terror that by something miraculous pushed up through my throat and echoed off the side of that old brick building when I thought I had lost you. It doesn’t show the part when I was crying and tried to call out to that man across the street for help, or when you wouldn’t even look at me as you manipulated words into blameful incantations and continued on at that frighteningly determined pace. It doesn’t know about the bruise that will develop on my arm the next morning where you had grabbed me and pushed me away from you when I was desperately trying to chase after you, to save you. I only ever wanted to save you. This Polaroid doesn’t understand that I would even willingly forget my own name for a time in order to try to teach you the hope hidden inside the spelling of yours. And neither the film nor flash know about the hot shower we shared after the whole ordeal was over that night, how your shivering body melted into my arms as heavy beads of water pounded on our skin, and how I forgot about the deadly dominance you had cast over me as I sensed the powerlessness in your pulse.

The Boneyard Romance

Rutherford arrived at the Boneyard, the lone suit and tie in a sea of undershirts and dirty suspenders, wondering why he was there. He still had a sermon to write. He looked at Jackie, who was shaking hands, grinning ear to ear, the way a father did when his first son was born. There was no such grin for an uncle, Rutherford thought, there was only a polite smile, which he decided to wear, striding coolly to the bar and ordering a glass of water. “Water? Man, get your ass outta here,” the bartender said. Rutherford slid a dollar bill across the counter and received a dirty glass full of lukewarm water. The musicians had taken a break, but it seemed that they were about to reconvene. The alto sax player was in the face of his woman, yelling into her like she was an inanimate object. Rutherford watched her face, frozen except for her eyes, which moved back and forth, barely blinking. When he finished his tirade, the sax played rounded up the band. Instead of storming off the stage, as Rutherford expected, the woman strode to the microphone. She snapped her thick fingers slow and even, so that the anticipation between each snap brought the din of the bar down to a murmur by the fourth snap. Instead of a fifth snap, the band began to play. The singer made eye contact with him for a split second, Rutherford thought, and then moved her eyes around the room. After the band had played a few bars, she began to sing. “Yes, I got a Daddy, and no, he don’t treat me right…” “Who is that?” Rutherford felt himself say, after deciding not to say it. “That’s the mystery. Quiet Lily’s a mystery,” the bartender answered. Rutherford slid another dollar across the bar and the bartender continued. “Whiskey,” he said, “Every Saturday night, for like 2 years, see? Then one day she said her name was Lily, occurred to me that’s the only thing I ever heard her say, besides whiskey. Then one day she get up and ask J.J. could she sit in? He was drunk, so he let her. Turn out, she ain’t half bad.” The bartender spoke to him between nodding and pouring shots for Jackie’s friends. Rutherford turned his attention back to Lily. Her song was in its closing bars. “Yes, I got a Daddy, and no, no, no, he don’t treat me right…” Applause and catcalls peppered the air that was dense with tobacco smoke, and Lily descended the stage. She sat down at a table with what Rutherford assumed was her customary glass of whiskey. He stood up from his barstool and crossed the room to her table. “Mind if I sit?” he asked. Lily shrugged. “What’s that song you were singing?” he asked. “Yes and No.” “I don’t believe I’ve heard that before. Who’s it by?” he asked. Lily swallowed and met his eye. “Me,” she said, keeping his gaze. “You really got a Daddy don’t treat you right?” Lily shrugged. “Have you been saved?” he asked, out of habit. Lily looked down at her glass, met his eyes again, then threw back her head and downed her remaining whiskey. She slowly stood up and began walking toward the exit. “Only reason I ask, ma’am,” he began. She shot an icy glance back at him, “Ma’am, miss… Lily… is that I’m the pastor at First Baptist Church in Three Oaks.” She was gaining distance on him after exiting the Boneyard. “We have services Sundays at 10. I’d love for you to sing in our choir,” he said. She stopped, turned around, and set her arms akimbo. “You gonna follow me home?” she asked. “No, just I… hope to see you some Sunday. Maybe even tomorrow, or,” he said, fumbling with the chain on his watch, “later today. Here,” he said, producing another dollar bill, “In case you need to be taking the bus into town.” He waited for her to take her hands off of her hips, but she wouldn’t. She had a pocket in her skirts, he could see, and he slid the dollar bill in, lingering for just a moment on her hip. She put her hand in her pocket, and pushed the bill back at him, hard against his chest. It fluttered to the dirt. “Take that,” she said, quiet and even, “ and buy yourself some more faith.” She turned around. “You can’t buy faith,” he called after her, “But you sure can rent it!” He watched her disappear into the night, then went inside to find Jackie and tell him it was time to go home. *** Lily remembered that first Sunday morning she spent on the bus to Three Oaks as the last day she ever felt uncertain. It was crowded in the back of the bus, and it seemed that all the other passengers were older and better dressed than she was. She’d turned to the man standing next to her and asked, “First Baptist?” “You can follow me,” he said. When they exited the bus, she followed the man, and most of the crowd East for five blocks, then South for three. The sign for First Baptist Church bore carefully painted letters that read, FIRST BAPTIST CHURCH of THREE OAKS WHERE JESUS SAVES, HEALS, AND DELIVERS! Rev. Rutherford James Payson, Pastor Lily entered the church and sat in the back row of wooden chairs, waiting for the service to begin. Other folks were talking, laughing, shaking hands. A few of them approached her, called her, “my sister.” She smiled back as best she could. Rutherford emerged as the choir sang an upbeat, tambourine-driven, yet otherwise a capella version of “Amazing Grace.” He shone in his purple and gold robe, radiating more charm, Lily thought, than a pastor probably should. Just as the hymn ended, Rutherford spoke, booming without shouting, “My brothers and sisters in Jesus,” he began, “I would like to take a moment to welcome any worshippers that are new to our congregation this morning. I invite you to hear the word,” he paused for murmurs of agreement, “I invite you to lift your voice!” a woman shouted and the tambourine joined in, “I invite you to experience the love of the Almighty God and Jesus Christ, Our Savior!” his voice lifted to a fever pitch. “Take your hands, “ he said, “raise them up, and FEEL the power that is given to you from Heaven! Use this power to spread the word! Use this power to praise his name! Use this power to SAVE YOUR SOUL!” The tambourine played rolled into another hymn. Lily was too awestruck to sing along. She just watched Rutherford, singing with his jaw dropped as far as possible, and his eyes closed. After the hymn, Rutherford stepped to the pulpit. “Our reading today is as follows,” he cleared his throat for emphasis, “Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace! When there is hatred,” he paused, “Let me sow love.” There were scattered affirmations from the congregation. “When there is doubt, sow FAITH!” he pounded on the pulpit, “When there is sadness,” he paused, and a woman began to weep loudly, and Rutherford lowered his voice slightly, “let me sow joy. When there is DARKNESS, LET ME SOW LIGHT!” the congregation became uproarious, “LORD!” Rutherford cried. Lily could see the sweat pouring down from his face from the back row, “MAKE ME AN INSTRUMENT OF THY PEACE!” Lily sat silent in her chair through the remainder of the service, and afterward, she stood at the end of the line to greet the Reverend. “Miss Lily,” he said when he saw her, “I was hoping you’d come by.” She nodded. “Wonderful service,” was all she could muster. “I’d like to invite you to Sunday dinner with my family, if you have no other obligation,” he said. She took a breath. “That would be nice.” “I intend to make a church-going woman out of you, yet!” he said. The remaining parishioners chuckled as they exited the church. He came to her side, and leaned in close to her. She could feel his warm breath and his lips graze her ear. “I also intend to marry you,” he whispered. She looked him in the eye and raised her hand up, sliding it down his forearm and squeezing his palm as they walked around the corner to the rectory. *** Lily didn’t hear from J.J. all week, which she thought was just as well. If he wanted to break it off with her, she thought, it would save her the trouble of doing it herself. She only worried, just a little bit, that he’d ban her from sitting in with the band. She knew, though, that Quentin, Alley, March, and Jesse would go to bat for her. Still, she hated the thought of them fighting, just cause of her. It was quiet that Saturday night when she arrived at the Boneyard. Willie didn’t look at her as she ordered her whiskey. There was no sign of J.J. so far. “Where’s J.J. at?” she asked Willie. “Hm?” “J.J…. Where’s he at?” she asked again. “March!” Willie called to the end of the bar, gesturing at Lily. As March crossed toward her, she knew. She wouldn’t have to break it off with J.J. He’d died, just the way she’d imagined he would- close to his saxophone, with his eyes rolled back in his head and a needle in his arm. “J.J.’s gone on,” March said. Lily nodded. “I just knew he’d get himself messed with that,” March continued, “He was a good player.” “He was,” she said. “My little cousin Millard’s gonna sit in on sax tonight. Kinda an audition for him, see?” March said. “Mm, hm,” she said. “Listen, Lily… if you don’t feel like it tonight, we all understand, but… it sure is nice when we have you here,” March said. “I’ll sing. I always sing,” she said, “But just one.” March nodded. When they called her to the stage, Lily dedicated J.J.’s favorite, “Knock-Down-Drag-Out Blues” to his memory, then exited the stage, sat down at her table, and breathed deep for a moment into her glass of whiskey before taking a sip. *** The next day, Lily took the bus to Three Oaks, having promised Rutherford that they’d go for a walk after church and Sunday dinner. “J.J. died,” she said as they rounded the corner from the rectory. “How?” he asked. “The needle,” she said. “Mm hm… I am sorry,” Rutherford said, not being able to use the standard, ‘He’s with Jesus now.’ “I’m not,” she said, “He loved shooting up more than anything. Even the blues. That ain’t right.” “Well, you don’t love anything more than the blues?” “No,” she said. “No? Not your mama? Not nothing? Not Jesus?” he asked, fingering the ring in his pocket. “My mama wasn’t a thing. Jesus ain’t a thing. It’s different.” “If we,” he paused, “If we were married, would you give up performing?” “No,” she said, “Would you?” “I don’t perform,” he said. She looked at him and raised her eyebrow. “I would never,” she said, “Never cause you such pain as that would cause me.” He stopped in his tracks and caught her hand. She turned toward him. “Lily, I won’t ask you to do anything but marry me,” he said. “Yes, you will,” she said, “But I accept anyways.” “I feel too old to get on bended knee,” he said, smiling. “Me too,” she said, “So let’s just walk.”

Wine

After Night has had its way; After all the dismantling; When I am alone with muffled calm; When I am done with handling All of the self inflicted doubt --- I am wine that sits decanting Made giddy with the thought of flight As I face one more replanting Splash me recklessly on the ground So I may fill the cracked dry dirt Drink me full with the hardest lust I am free of wounds but not the hurt – Healed at the altar of our art, Cauterized by this grateful heart. M C Biegner 3/2005

Confessions of a Closet Fiction Writer

Today something dreadful happened. Today, without so much as an inkling, I very nearly wrote fiction! I don’t know how it happened. I really don’t! I wasn’t paying attention. I normally don’t do things like this. It happened one evening after dinner when I settled down to that quiet place – you know – that place inside where it gets real still and you can hear everything inside you that is going on; the place where all my poetry comes from. Then it happened. I can’t imagine how! I was writing when suddenly I noticed what looked like two eyes and a prominent nose pressed up against the clear plastic of my BIC plastic ballpoint. I was surprised. I mean, I was not accustomed to people in my pen where ink was supposed to be. As I wrote an even stranger thing happened. This person or whatever it was that was trapped inside the barrel of my pen, squeezed himself out through the tip of the pen and before I could say, “Great Walt Whitman preserve us”, there before me was a character: a real honest to goodness fictional character. It was a middle-aged man with balding head who wore the look of desperation like a wrinkled and ill-fitted suit. He smelled of cigarettes with just a trace scent of some morning shot – drambuie or kalhua – something that in the shadowy lamplight of my room smelled like last night. This character just sat there on the snowy white page, blinking, first left, then right as if he did not know where he was. There was an awkward silence. I couldn’t say a word I was so stunned! I knew I was miles away from that place where I grew my poetry, but where was I? I started to write some more hoping though not really believing, that this was just an anomaly. I held this deep fear that this portended some sort of gravitational pull toward the absurd and that I was powerless to stop it. Then just as before, my eye was caught by another set of eyes looking at me from the barrel of the pen. I panicked this time. I closed my eyes and tried to remember the opening lines of T.S. Eliot’s “Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock”: “Let us go then you and / When the evening is spread out against the spreading sky”. I opened one eye, but the eyes in the pen just glared up at me. I quickly snapped my one eye closed and continued: “Like a patient etherized on a table…” Surely if there was anyone who could bring me back to someplace devoid of personality, it would be Eliot, I thought. But it was no use. I opened my eyes and there they were: frantic eyes, bloodshot eyes, eyes that spoke to a different part of my artistic brain. Why I could almost hear the other neurons snapping the way a heater that has not been used for a long time clicks when it is turned on for the very first time of the heating season. I took the pen in both hands and rolled it fiercely back and forth hoping it would shake free whatever demons possessed it. It was no use though The eyes were still there only now they were dizzy and crossed from all the spinning. I wrote again anyway. I would not let this dementia prevent my sweet, gentle poetry from bubbling up. Where had my poetry gone I wondered? Had someone absconded with it? Or maybe I just misplaced it, being as I am so busy lately. Perhaps my poetry just got fed up and left. Maybe, I thought, I was simply engaging in some sort of shared consciousness flashback of experiences I never had? I mean, I never did hallucinogens but people I know have. LSD, I’ve learned, is actually trapped in the human spinal chord for many years after the person stops taking it. Maybe, if this idea of a shared collective consciousness is true, maybe I am experiencing someone else’s flashback. The thought though amusing, didn’t really comfort me much. As I continued writing, another character slid out on to the page. This time it was a woman. She had frizzy, stringy hair and large overblown blotchy red face. She wore much more lipstick than she should have ever been allowed to. Her eyes were angry and while she didn’t say a word, I could tell she was reproaching me. But something about her was familiar. I could not put my finger on it, but there was a quality, something I could not articulate that made me feel this woman and I knew each other. I pondered this when it shot through my head like a lightning bolt. This was my ex-wife. She did not really look like my ex-wife (well, except for the lipstick: that woman found shades of lipstick that would make hookers blush!) but still, I somehow knew it was her. “Odd,” I thought to myself. “I didn’t know that I was still carrying around all this anger for her after all these years.” I made a note to bring this up with my therapist at my next session. Yes, it was my ex-wife all right, couched craftily amid some cosmetic changes of dress and body shape and hair. It was the eyes that gave her away, always the eyes. “My God”, I thought, “I am starting to think like a fiction writer!” So my “ex” has been in there all this time and I had no idea! I didn’t know what to make of that: first the middle-aged man, then this. What was next? I was afraid to think who else might be in there, thinking it was all coming from the pen but all the while, really knowing better. Over the course of the next few hours several more characters were extruded through the tip of my pen and onto the page: there was a young girl with skinned knees wearing a party dress, a black blind blues singer with a strong heroin addiction, a sexy movie star who was tired of being type cast as a sex kitten and longed to be a real theater actor. All of these people squeezed themselves out onto the paper and each one had whole histories with which I became intimately familiar. They were born from something in my past and I tried to match the personality up with something in my past, but I could not do it completely. Before long, I had half a journal written filled with these characters and their traits, their foibles and character flaws, their habits and idiosyncracies: I had captured them all as character studies in writing. Finally, the character who was my ex-wife broke the silence and spoke. “Well?” she said in that sharp tire screeching sort of voice I remember (I think I even winced in a Pavlovian response). “Well what?” I said. “Well, what do we do?” “Do?” I was sure I was crazy now. In the back of my mind I so wanted my poetry back. Never has a poem so much as spoken to me. Not once. “You got us here – now what do we do?” she said. “Well…” I drew the response out hoping to buy some time. “Truth is, see, I don’t write fiction. This is just some sort of mistake.” My ex-wife’s eyes grew even angrier. “See, I can’t write plot lines,” I explained in a vain attempt to explain away my fiction writing shortcomings. “I think up these great characters and then, I don’t know what to do with them.” My ex-wife’s face changed. The contours of her cheeks actually went into a near smile. “You know, dearie,” she began sweetly. “ That construction worker over there that you dreamed up? The one with no shirt on and really short shorts? You could write a part for him and me if you like. He’s kinda cute.” I looked over at the Herculean Adonis of a construction worker I had created, with broad shoulders and tight washboard abs, and long flowing hair. “Yeah,” I said, “ I need to talk to my therapist about him too.” I explained for an hour how I could not write plots; how I was sorry but maybe I could integrate some of these characters into poems – if only my poetry would come back. She didn’t like that at all. None of them did. They didn’t want to be part of no stinking poem. They were going to look for a writer with some cojones, a real writer’s writer they said. Not one of these foo-foo, woo-woo, new age, pot-smoking, aging hippy types. "Where was Hemmingway when you need him?" they said, hard drinking, womanizing misogynistic S.O.B that he was. “Great. Just great. Now I have my own characters questioning my masculinity,” I thought. They left in a huff, all of them, and I was sitting alone. Over the next few weeks I played with story lines. I even took out some books from the library and attended workshops about how to write fiction. I read once that sometimes a writer had to do something mean to a character even a beloved character, so I did. I did something really mean to a character that I loved most of all. I was in bed for a week with depression. This fiction thing? I get way too invested emotionally. It’s hard on my body and my soul. I don’t know how people do it. My poetry eventually returned after being on brief hiatus. She told me she was hobnobbing with some musicians in the Bahamas. ( Incidentally, it really is better in the Bahamas, she told me.) Soon, my poetry and I were making and speaking the language of the unseen universe just as before. But someday, someday I just might look up one of those characters again and start in earnest to write fiction for real. Someday. M C Biegner 3/2005

In the Pressed Sweet Grass

When I looked for you In the pressed sweet grass, The outline of your body was all I found; In a circle that formed on the ground Where we wrote our history Using heaping mounds of Faith. How did I expect this to end? What did I think would happen? Can I refute what faith whispers to my heart, What science inscribes into DNA? Did I believe that I would be spared, That God loved me - His most favorite of all - so much That I should not drink from this cup? I always imagined starkness without you, In the luxury of your touch, But it was never as bare as the truth. Now the value of one more moment With you, rises like breath: My love, You are the heat my body produces, You are the tempo of my beating pulse, You are my very own desire for what is good. Gone – before the promise is kept; Gone – before the map of our world could be explored; Gone – leaving just pressed sweet grass To tell me you are not here, That you have moved on, Gone ahead, without me – To someplace we’d always known, Leaving me with this limp: Forever friendless, Forever moonless, Forever alone. M C Biegner 3/2005