Daughters of the earth

Daughters of the earth, make room for pure joy. Don't let the dark restrain your light. Create your burning bush of joy.

You are sacred. You are divine.

When I was naive, I thought joy was a feeling. I thought it was something that you chase. Now I see the light. Joy sustains me.

Joy is trust. It will comfort you when you are overwhelmed. Joy sees others as a pathway to new understanding. Joy is more that than the pain that keeps you up at night. Joy is more than a smile. It is more than a laugh. There is no fear in joy. Daughters of the earth make room for pure joy.




Lurena Lee
August, 2012

Mothering as Middle School

Becoming a mother is a lot like entering middle school.  Everyone desperately wants to be unique--in as normal and acceptable a way as possible.  Most people you know who are eager to give you mothering advice seem either unbearably old or just barely surviving whatever developmental hell their own children are experiencing.  If you are lucky, you will encounter a big sister or two who will not sugarcoat the experience, but will show true joy in the presence of her children. 

Mostly, though, you, like your teenage self, will feel like nobody understands you.  Even, and perhaps especially, when surrounded by the mothers of other babies, you will look around and think that all of these women have it so much more together than you. They pack organic snack food in reusable containers, and tote special zippered bags for their dirty diapers.  They pack these diapers in elegant handbags designed for weekend jaunts to the Hamptons.  They are the cool girls. You will feel slightly superior to the mom who always shows up late, with spit-up stains on her clothes, carrying extra diapers in a grocery bag. 

You will wonder, every hour of the first 365 days of your child’s life, whether what you are doing is normal. Someone will have written a book, or six, about every decision you question.  The books will not agree.  You will read them all, and still question all your decisions.  Your pediatrician will become the designated arbiter of normalcy when it comes to your choices as a parent, followed closely by your mother.  After the first 365 days, your question will shift.  You will find yourself wondering more and more whether your child--your precious, perfect child--is normal.

You will read dozens of books about child development, temperament, discipline, and a slate of child-rearing practices designed to turn out the child of your dreams.  Your child will not read any of these books.  He does not know that a choice between two options you have deemed acceptable will make him feel empowered.  He will make a third choice.  When he disapproves of his options, he will inform you loudly, “That is not a choice!” 

 In return, you will say things you have not said since seventh grade, like, “Fine. Be that way.”
You are a middle-school girl being taunted by a tiny, strong-willed narcissist.  You will wonder how he got so stubborn.  Sometimes, knowing he got it from you will make you laugh.  A lot. Sometimes you will cry. A lot. You will learn that even the cool girls, with their fancy handbags and designer sunglasses, cry, too.  And that sometimes the mom covered in spit-up stains seems to be having more fun than is reasonable.  You will try to learn how she does it.  You will start to notice that sometimes you laugh out loud at your beloved child when he is being especially unreasonable.  You will be relieved to know he has a sense of humor when he laughs with you. 

Some time after you have read all the books and think you have dodged all the nosy questions about how, when, where, and for how long your kid sleeps, nurses, eats, plays independently, and uses the toilet, you will realize you don’t care what they think, these arbiters of proper parenting--the authors, the pediatricians, the preschool teachers, the cool moms, your mother.  You don’t care about being normal anymore.  Though you still dream about a good night’s sleep the way you used to dream about a good-night kiss.

Congratulations!  You’ve graduated from middle school.



Shakira
July 2012

New York City Sunshine

         Barbara sat behind the glass enclosure in the Trailways Bus Terminal.  She sipped her sugary, lukewarm coffee and pulled her cardigan sweater over her buxom chest.  It was raining outside early this morning and there was a chill in the air; a big difference from the warm June temperature of yesterday.  Her long blonde hair was still damp.  She took an elastic from her metal desk drawer and put her hair in a loose pony tail.  That done, she took a look at the passengers that were coming into the small sitting area of the terminal.  Four women came in laughing as they shook out their wet umbrellas and stored their suitcases and backpacks by the green connected seats. They threw out their arms wide to give one another big hugs. 

            Mmm, Barbara thought.  They must be going on a women’s weekend to NYC.  After  six years of selling tickets in the Springfield terminal, she could tell a lot about the travelers that came into her waiting area.   She turned her head to the left and saw a young man in his twenties finger picking his way on his computer; a student.   Sitting next to him was a  lean, older black woman, dressed in a neat white blouse, grey skirt with her beige raincoat folded and draped over her small suitcase.  Visiting the family in Brooklyn, Barbara thought. 

             Through the sliding doors a tall black man appeared.  He was wearing a Mexican serape; bold green and blue stripes were woven vertically making the man appear even taller.  He was pushing a small cart which had a huge plastic tub on it topped with a folding table. The street vender, Isaac, Barbara said to herself.

             He came towards the ticket window and with his broad smile and African accent said, “Good morning Barbara, and how are you on this fine rainy day?”

            “Wet”, she mumbled.

            “Ah but the sun will shine today. I promise”, Isaac said with a twinkle in his eye.

            “What weather report did you listen too?” She asked.

            “The one for the Big Apple, Barbara.  Sunshine in the BIg Apple” he said with his deep melodic voice.

            “Well, here it is going to be rain. rain, rain all day. Which I guess doesn't’ matter since I am inside this place until late this afternoon.”  She looked at him with a tired expression as she handed him the ticket and his change.

            “Don’t look so glum, my friend.  Tomorrow will be another day and sunshine may just smile on your pretty face.”

            At that remark, Barbara pulled her sweater tighter and knew she was blushing. Isaac gave out a huge laugh. 

            “See you tomorrow my friend and he rolled his cart away towards the line that was forming to get on the bus.”

            By the end of her shift, she would be on her way to Stop and Shop to pick up something for dinner and maybe a movie.  It was her free night.  Her weekend without Nolie.  She hated when Nolie was not home and with her dad in Hartford. Barbara missed Nolie as soon as she got into his car.  Yet, having the weekend to herself was, well, like going away on a bus. Something out of the ordinary.  Yes, she would get herself a comedy, something that would make her laugh, laugh as loud as Isaac just did.    Issac, she thought of that tall man again.  Sunshine in New York City. 

             Here she sits in the florescent light of the bus terminal day after day and has never stepped onto one of the buses.  Hell, she could even go for free. Yet, not once in the six years did she climb up the steps to sit high up in one of the buses.  Granted six years ago she had a one year old daughter and two years later was a single mom; Derrick cheating on her with that woman that was now his wife. She looked out the window as the rain came down in torrents.  Then she looked at the newspaper’s weather report, today 90% rain, Sunday 80% rain with thunderstorms.

            Her heart skipped a beat as she tried to slow down her mind and what she was thinking. She looked at the digital clock on her desk 7:15 AM. The bus was leaving in five minutes.  She took a big swallow of her now cold coffee, buttoned up her sweater, reached for her black pocket book that was in the bottom drawer and stood up. She quickly scrawled a note on a piece of paper;  Emergency with child, will return tomorrow.

              She looked around the office, took a big breath and stepped out into the waiting room.  The line for the bus had vanished.  She moved slowly to the door, opened it and felt the rain on her face.   The bus driver, John, was a regular.  She looked him in the eyes and said, “I’m riding for free today, John.”  With that she took the steps up onto the bus,made her way down the aisle, and saw Isaac sitting by the window third of the way down the bus.

            Isaac looked up at Barbara as she stood there clutching her black pocketbook.  Barbara’s face broke into a smile and said, “I’m looking for sunshine.” She took the seat beside him and the bus rolled away from the terminal towards New York City.

Marilyn London-Ewing
June 2012

My Romance with el Señor Pimsleur

On the tapes we speak so nicely to each other always. According to el señor Pimsleur, el famoso lingüista, language enters the brain painlessly like an IV drip. Half an hour a day, every day--no memorization at all! I desire to learn so many tongues.

--Have you been here before?

--No, never, but it pleases me very much the weather and also the mountains.

--Your English is very excellent.

--Your Spanish, also.

--Does your uncle prefer vino tinto or vino blanco?

In Spanish there are two kinds of being, temporary and permanent. Ser y estar. We must pay constant attention and try not to confuse them. I like the rainforest and the beaches.

--Pero habla usted muy bien, señora.

--It is kind of you to say, but I only know what has dripped into my brain from the CDs ,of the method Pimleur. I started with High Intermediate. Is why I can use the past tense and even the subjunctive. It is so nice to have a subjunctive. En ingles no hay.

--Nacionalidad?

--Norteamericana. Notice I did not say American. I must bear in mind that you too are Americans. We only are North Americans; we don’t mean to offend but we simply can’t help it.

--Porpoise of visit, please?

--I have come here as a medical tourist.

--Como, señora?

--Conoce usted el turismo medico? Facelifts, tummy tucks, brow lifts, lower body lifts… I don’t know the words in Spanish.

--Do you bring any fruits or vegetables into the country?

--Claro que no! Es muy simpático este país, full of rare rainforest species. Also a Filene’s basement for surgery of the elective type. Por supuesto, is grand opportunity for new vocabulary, for example, nasolabial folds. But this, alas, el Señor Pimsleur does not cover in his lessons. I fear I am not making myself clear.

--I believe you are obtruding the line, señora.

--I excuse myself. Do not think that I am a vain woman, like so many norteamericanas. In strictest confidence, I lost half of myself and in places the skin hangs from my bones.

--Your pasaporte seems to be in order. You may go. Pase pase por aquí, señora.

--Muchas gracias, señor.

--Buenas tardes, Señora! Yo soy el señor Gómez. We were on the same airplane.

--Mucho gusto, señor. El baggage claim is this way?

--Yes, let us go there together. What brings you to my country?

--I have come here to have certain cosmetic surgeries necessitated by rapid weight loss. I used to be very fat. Muy gordita. Now I am flaquita. I lost 120—uh, kilos?

--No es posible, señora.

--I mean 120 pounds. I regret that I don’t know your units of weight. It is a fact that I now have on mi pecho lost senos de mi abuela.

--What you intend to mean, señora?

--It is that the breasts of my grandmother are on my chest. This is the result of getting thin very fast. I was warned it would occur. I hope to see many extinct volcanos during my visit.

--Here is the baggage claim, señora. We must wait.

--Gracias, señor. Mi amiga has already had several surgeries. She tells me don’t bother to learn Spanish; all you need to say is, Tengo mucho dolor. Mucho? How much is mucho? I asked. Oh, don’t worry, she said, you won’t remember a thing.

---Ah, Here is my valise, the black one.

--I hope mine has not lost itself. You see, on my thin body--mi cuerpo flaquito--is the same amount of skin surface that formerly enclosed my fat self. My arms now resemble batwings. How do you say bat?

--???

--Señor Gonzalez, have you seen the fotos en el famoso periodico National Geographic? If so you will know what I mean when I speak of the deflated bosoms of ancient African ladies. They resemble themselves to empty sacks--sacos vacios.

--Le gustaria tomar algo, señora?

--No, gracias. El gobierno de este país—es una junta?

--No, señora, here is stable government. We call ourselves the Switzerland of Central America.

--Ah! but do not forget little Switzerland’s role in hiding the Nazi gold. How does collaborator say itself in Spanish?

--No, no, señora. Is here a stable democracy, I assure you. No dead Indians, banana coups, coffee thugs, ni historia muy tragic.

---Ah yes, we are only visitors here, we cannot judge. We pass through this land as medical tourists from Gringolandia, the land of norteamerica. Oh! Is my bag—right there. El de verde!

--Your bug?

--Suitcase, luggage. I have not remembered the word and the CDs were very expensive, muy caro. A ripoff really. Oh, thank you—a thousand times thank you.

--Do you stay here in the capital?

--Yes, tomorrow I must take myself to to the oficina of el doctor Martinez. With him I have already entered into an email relationship bastante intima. He speaks excellent English and answers my questions about his various procedures. Recomienda usted las especialidad de la casa?

--Usted habla muy bien español. Señora. Is this your first time here?

--Gracias, señor. Misfortunately, I am only High Intermediate, but is my greatest intention to progress further. It is frequently said that it is best to learn to speak with the natives. Me gustaría mucho arroz y pollo.

--A su servicio, señora.

--Vive usted en el norte or el sud? Su esposa es enfermera?

--Claro que si. I am a man of negocios. My brother is the director of a company international. The sister of my brother lives in Chicago. It is necessary to make many business travels.

--How interesting. Quiere usted ver las fotografías of my former fat body and my present skinny body? Antes y después. I have them here on mi laptop. El doctor Martinez insisted on seeing them before the surgery. They are a hoot. Here, you can see.

--Ay, ay, que barbaridad.

--Now you’ve seen my batwings you will understand why I am having the surgery.

---Ojala que se mejore pronto.

--Oh, was that the subjunctive? I love the subjunctive! I wish English had one. It is my favorite tense--voice, whatever. This wine is delicious. Is it from the south?

--No, this wine is from the west. The corn is from the east.

--Ah, que bueno! And the government here is very stable. I have heard it is the Switzerland of Centroamerica.

--That is what one says, Señora. We hope that you will have many enjoyments here.

--Buenas tardes, Señora. Es usted chilena?

--Ah, Señor Gómez, Mucho gusto! This country es muy delicioso. Which way to the stopping place of the autobus?

--On the corner of the street, señora, across from the police station.

--May I have one ticket please? While I am here I would desire very much to see the animals of the rainforest, especially the green and black poison dart frog and the three-toed sloth.

Judy Hooper
April 2012

The End of Self Help Part 1

I started reading self-help books at thirteen years old, with appetite and fervor. But the true gateway was Women’s Day magazine quizzes at my grandmother’s house, age nine. Sitting on the couch which smelled like tongue, leafing through smoky pages quickly to the quiz section. My grandmother was endlessly patient with me as I quizzed her: Did she like A) bright colors and tango lessons, B) muted colors and waltzing or C) slow dancing and florals?

After tallying the answers into a final and definitive category of mostly As, mostly B’s or mostly C’s, I found out answers that were alternately intuitive and frightening. I learned that I was an introvert, I was naturally disorganized and my grandmother and grandfather were ill-matched and should seek marital counseling quickly. When I read aloud the results of their marital fate, they both laughed heartily with a bitterness and rawness that unnerved me.

As a blemished, tragic romantic of fifteen years old, self-help books held the key to salvation for me. All my awkward intense feelings of difference and aloneness could be changed by absorbing key principles of empowered living and authentic relationships. I could be unafraid or at least love my fear, be a model of self acceptance, financially secure (perhaps a millionaire), multiply orgasmic, ayurvedically balanced, gluten free and 100% creative and alive. I read the books in hopes of finding an antidote to the intimate and messy universe.

So, I accrued a lot of books, hundreds across the spectrum of self-help. I read them under the auspices that I wanted to be a therapist, that I needed to know how to help the socially anxious, ADD symptomatic, traumatized individuals of the world. But really, I read them all for myself. I filled bookshelves with Potatoes not Prozac, Codependent No More, Earn what You Deserve, If The Buddha Dated, also If the Buddha got Stuck and If the Buddha Married. Passionate Marriage and the Inner Child Workbook. Oh, and the magical wisdom of Spiritual Astrology, The Highly Sensitive Person and don’t forget the many tomes of Sark.

If I was bored, I would thumb through Radical Honesty, The Wisdom of the Enneagram or A Path with Heart. I stopped reading fiction altogether. Periodically through our years together, my writer-husband Ben suggested thoughtfully that I read some “real literature.” Let him read intellectual experimental fiction and prose poems, I thought defensively. That wasn’t me. I accused him of not accepting my true self. I had fought hard to feel okay about my self help library. I couldn’t read my books at the cafe without shame but at home, self help piled next to the bed. Eckhart Tolle, Parenting from the Inside Out and Healing Through the Dark Emotions were just my speed. On the bus, it was fine to read a Buddhist-type self book but totally inappropriate and shameful to read a book which genre straddled the self help/new age categories.I knew the rules.

Then one day while I chatted with a friend, she described me as a “distilled self help book.” Her tone was more admiring than judgmental but something inside me vomited, flinched and wilted as she said it. It’s true that I could describe in detail the process of “opening to a feeling” or explain the necessity of safety for trauma survivors. But inside I dreamt of being a wild woman, a self-trusting mystic who wrote poetry and manifestos by open water, did socially engaged art and followed inner promptings to adventures all around the world. Vanessa, the beekeeper, well maybe not beekeeper, but maybe Vanessa, the dancer, the artist and writer. Vanessa the Inner Child therapist, the mother, the herbalist, the wild one.

But I had become obsessed with other people’s wisdom. Other people’s visions of what the world was. My vocabulary was domesticated by self help and I turned away from my own inner-expert. I quizzed myself: Was I enmeshed with my mother? Was I practicing extreme self care? Did I need more mindfulness or to do a body scan? Was I differentiating enough from my husband? What the fuck was wrong and why wasn’t I happy?

I needed a big intervention, a massive change in direction. So I proclaimed AN END TO SELF HELP. Or rather an end to reading self help books. I got some boxes, packed them with all my self help books and got Ben to lug them to the basement. Then I sat on the floor of the echoing chamber that was my bedroom, gazing absently at the empty space on my bookshelves. What to do now? And this is when the shit hit the fan.


Vanessa Brackett
Feb. 2012
Vanessa blogs at increase the levels of radiance

Seth's Pond

An excerpt from "Bella and Bea," a novel for preteens

Bea got on her bike and went down the hill to the pond.  She put the bike down by the wooden railing and made her way onto the shady path; the coolness of the air inviting like a cloud moving across the hot sun. As she came nearer to the water’s edge she heard whistling.   She began to whistle back. Suddenly the whistling stopped and Bea stood still.

“Hey,” yelled Bea and then she let out a whistle. She looked down the shoreline but it was empty except for some big rocks and  course sand on the shore.

Suddenly, a shrill whistle screeched in the silence. It was so close that Bea jumped.

She turned around and saw Jono

“Hey, what are you doing? That hurt my ears,” said Bea a bit irritated.

Jono just shrugged his shoulders and scampered down the path towards a rock that was half in the water.

Without an invite, Bea followed him thinking that if he didn’t want her there, he would say so.  Near a tree on the shore, Jono had stashed a fishing rod and tackle box.  He took out a fishhook from his tackle box and attached it to his rod. He then held up some bait; a slimy, squirmy worm.

 Bea held out her hand, a gesture that made Jono raise his eyebrow with surprise and curiosity.

“Do you fish?” he asked.

“I have,” said Bea not offering more information.

“Okay, let’s see you hook the worm and set out the line.”

Bea smiled and took the wiggly worm out of Jono’s hand.   She hooked the worm and swung the rod overhead. Jono watched the arc of the line and the spot where the hook landed in the water.

“Nice,” he said.

Bea smiled again and handed the rod to Jono.

For a while all they heard was the soft rustling of leaves and bird songs. Bea broke the silence. “Where’s Lucky?”

“Dad took him to the vet’s,” said Jono looking out into the water.

“Is he okay?” Bea asked with concern.

“Yeah, needs his yearly shots.”

“You must love having him.  He’s such a good dog. So, why the name Lucky?”

Jono’s face darkened as if a stormy cloud covered it.   “Just because,”  he said more quietly.

“Because he gives you luck?” Bea asked

“Not really ...”

“Well, is it because he’s lucky, I mean like being a cat that has nine lives?” Bea persisted.

“Yeah, I guess you could say that.  He was brought to the animal shelter when he was a pup. There was a fire and well his mother and another pup from the litter didn’t get out in time. But Lucky did and we got him. We didn’t name him; the people at the shelter did.” 

“Wow that is so sad and happy at the same time.  Lucky was sure lucky,” said Bea as she stole a glance at Jono.

“Yeah he is,” Jono said glancing back at her.

This time, Bea looked straight at him and said, “I hope he brings you luck, Jono,”

Jono did not say anything but looked out into the pond.  It was a beautiful summer day. The water was smooth, soft and still. Every now and then bullfrogs croaked and dragonflies skimmed the surface of the pond.  The blue sky and clouds reflected in the water. Bea looked out to the other side of the pond.

“Jono, what’s the pond like in winter. Can you skate on it?”

“Winter, yeah, you can,” he mumbled.

Before she could stop herself, Bea asked, “What’s it like here in winter?”

The dark cloud came across Jono’s face again. “Cold, icy. I hate it.”

“Oh,” she said softly and remembered  what Dad had told her about the accident  a few winters ago.  She was ready to change the subject when the fishing rod began to bend.  “Jono,” a fish, she whispered, “Reel it in.”

He stood there on the rock and held onto the fishing rod tightly with his left hand as he reeled in the fishing line with his right. He cranked and cranked as the rod kept bending.  Just as he was pulling back on the rod, Bea yelled, “Faster, Jono, faster. It must be a huge fish!”

And out of the water came a good sized bass flopping on the line. With a wide grin, Jono held the fish up high.  The dark cloud on his face was gone.

Marilyn London-Ewing
December 2011

Broken

"You piece of crap."

 

He said it quietly, deliberately, as he looked me in the eyes then walked away.

 

I took a deep breath, rubbed one of his classmates on the head, and turned to walk back inside the school.

 

He was having a bad day, my boy. He's called me names before -- stupid, ugly, dumb, old lady and, most recently, the scum between his toes. I've gotten good at letting it roll off my back.

 

"It's not about me," I tell myself. "I'm just the one standing in front of him, and he doesn't know what to do with all of his anger, frustration, rage, and sadness. He's broken."

 

That was in September, October...but it's December now, and "you piece of crap" kicks me in the gut. Not because of the words, but because it feels like all the work we've done -- all the work I've done -- these past few months has been for nothing. We're back to Square 1. He doesn't trust me.

 

It's a gut check too because we live in a world where an 8 year old boy can be this damaged, this broken.  He is funny, smart, so freakin' charming, sweet even...but sometimes, the light in his eyes goes dark and he is gone...far away in an instant and I can't get him back.

 

"You piece of crap."

 

The words echo on my heart. All the positive recognition, all the playful teasing, all the sideways-secret smiles, the sing-songy "JJ has his homework" on mornings when he approaches the homework bin, all those moments that he raises his hand voluntarily and I dare to hope we've made it -- all of that is dashed on the rocks with those 4 words.

 

It's not about the words -- I'm tough -- the words roll off my back. It's about the look in his eyes that says, "I don't trust you. You can't win this fight. I won't let it happen."



Kristin McCue
Nov. 2011